Six weeks post-op
Hmm where to start? I'm still off work, I think next Monday I'll go back. I'm a little bummed that I won't be working on Halloween because I like to dress up. It will be nice to earn a paycheck, though. I have been on disability this whole time, but I haven't received a dime. I finally got an email letting me know that EDD is back logged with claims. I have to pay the rent again on Thursday and it's painful having to part with my savings. My family has always helped me when I've needed it, though. Both my mom and dad have stepped up at different times.
My sleep has been all out of order. I have to remind myself that that's one of the possible side effects of being hyperthyroid. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3am. I was so disappointed to wake up at 9am. Fortunately I fell back asleep until 1pm. This isn't gonna fly when I start back at work. I've got to transition back to a regular schedule. My decreased appetite has been interesting too. It can be deceiving. I won't eat because I'm not hungry, and then I'm in the shower about to pass out because I'm so weak. Okay, I must admit it was 3:00 in the afternoon and I'd had coffee on an empty stomach. I couldn't get to my pita chips and hummus fast enough.
This change in appetite is really bringing up some food issues and body issues for me. I mean if you asked me, I'd say, "It's important to love your body no matter what. People come in all shapes and sizes." But if you look at my actions, am I living that? Not really. I can be really hard on myself. The trap that I fall into is looking at old pictures of myself. At some point I have to realize that I may never look like that again. I'm not an old maid or anything, but I may never look the same as I did when I was 18. I am grateful to have a womanly shape, but that comes with other things that I don't love. Also, I've been watching a lot of America's Next Top Model, so there's that. It's actually quite uncomfortable to be talking about this, but I figure some of you go through the same thing.
I've read other womens' blogs who have had thyroid cancer and who talked specifics about weight issues. I wound up comparing myself and thinking, "I should weigh that number." So I'm not going to share numbers. I actually did in a previous blog and ended up deleting it all.
Overall, I know that happiness is an inside job. It does not come from external things. Any happiness I may feel from buying something or losing a pound or redecorating my house is short lived. When I'm spiritually fit, nothing can bother me. So trying to maintain that is really key.
My shoulder is still pretty stiff and sore. I don't know what it will take for it to recover. I don't want to say that I think the exercises are useless, but I wouldn't say they've been helpful. Maybe they've helped a little bit. So I've had to let go of the idea that I'll go back to work when my shoulder improves. I'm not getting paid any disability money, so I really ought to just go back. We will see.
A reader of this blog emailed me a few days ago and I so appreciated it. She shared that she's in a similar situation and she found the blog helpful. That was really nice to hear. Just that email made me feel that the time I've spent on this has been worth it. I'm sure there are many more readers who are strangers to me and who don't email. That's fine. I'm the same way. I have such a big family, though. If you're reading this, odds are we're related.
Here's my incision from lateral neck dissection surgery six weeks post-op. Since it's healed, I can put scar cream on it. That's been very bizarre. It just gives me this very confusing rush of emotions. Mostly I can't believe it's healed. It feels like I was in the hospital yesterday. It's not a pretty sight when I apply it since I can't feel the incision. It gets smeared all everywhere. Oh, and see the red mark on my chest? That's from the drain I had in while I was in the hospital. I'm interested to see how that will heal.
My sleep has been all out of order. I have to remind myself that that's one of the possible side effects of being hyperthyroid. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3am. I was so disappointed to wake up at 9am. Fortunately I fell back asleep until 1pm. This isn't gonna fly when I start back at work. I've got to transition back to a regular schedule. My decreased appetite has been interesting too. It can be deceiving. I won't eat because I'm not hungry, and then I'm in the shower about to pass out because I'm so weak. Okay, I must admit it was 3:00 in the afternoon and I'd had coffee on an empty stomach. I couldn't get to my pita chips and hummus fast enough.
This change in appetite is really bringing up some food issues and body issues for me. I mean if you asked me, I'd say, "It's important to love your body no matter what. People come in all shapes and sizes." But if you look at my actions, am I living that? Not really. I can be really hard on myself. The trap that I fall into is looking at old pictures of myself. At some point I have to realize that I may never look like that again. I'm not an old maid or anything, but I may never look the same as I did when I was 18. I am grateful to have a womanly shape, but that comes with other things that I don't love. Also, I've been watching a lot of America's Next Top Model, so there's that. It's actually quite uncomfortable to be talking about this, but I figure some of you go through the same thing.
I've read other womens' blogs who have had thyroid cancer and who talked specifics about weight issues. I wound up comparing myself and thinking, "I should weigh that number." So I'm not going to share numbers. I actually did in a previous blog and ended up deleting it all.
Overall, I know that happiness is an inside job. It does not come from external things. Any happiness I may feel from buying something or losing a pound or redecorating my house is short lived. When I'm spiritually fit, nothing can bother me. So trying to maintain that is really key.
My shoulder is still pretty stiff and sore. I don't know what it will take for it to recover. I don't want to say that I think the exercises are useless, but I wouldn't say they've been helpful. Maybe they've helped a little bit. So I've had to let go of the idea that I'll go back to work when my shoulder improves. I'm not getting paid any disability money, so I really ought to just go back. We will see.
A reader of this blog emailed me a few days ago and I so appreciated it. She shared that she's in a similar situation and she found the blog helpful. That was really nice to hear. Just that email made me feel that the time I've spent on this has been worth it. I'm sure there are many more readers who are strangers to me and who don't email. That's fine. I'm the same way. I have such a big family, though. If you're reading this, odds are we're related.
Here's my incision from lateral neck dissection surgery six weeks post-op. Since it's healed, I can put scar cream on it. That's been very bizarre. It just gives me this very confusing rush of emotions. Mostly I can't believe it's healed. It feels like I was in the hospital yesterday. It's not a pretty sight when I apply it since I can't feel the incision. It gets smeared all everywhere. Oh, and see the red mark on my chest? That's from the drain I had in while I was in the hospital. I'm interested to see how that will heal.
Email me at caitnbarrel@gmail.com
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