Happier now

Can I just say that I'm happier now than I have been since this all started? I feel so grateful to be surrounded by amazing women who value introspection and personal growth and have helped me cultivate growth for myself. (Ahem Kristen and Hillary). I've been thinking things over and I came to some decisions about how I feel about everything. I just started to feel like, maybe I'm not bigger than cancer. Maybe I don't have to be bigger than cancer in order to survive. I look back on the last few months and cancer has screwed me over; it's caused me pain and hurt my relationships. And I don't think I was conscious of this, but I think I've been angry with myself for not overcoming it and being bigger than cancer. Like I really thought I ought to be bigger than it. That's what everyone says, right? All these PSAs say, "Beat cancer." And I'm a pretty capable person. I'm young and I have a lot of people behind me. I don't have the worst circumstances possible. So if anyone could be bigger than cancer, isn't it me? I think I honestly thought that being "strong" means coming out unscathed and unaffected. But that's not possible. It has been strange coming to understand that I don't have to be bigger than cancer in order to survive. It has been humbling to realize that I'm not bigger than cancer. I'm just one person and I have an illness. Lots of people do. It can be big and I can be small and I can still get well eventually. I just feel like I broke through a ceiling or something. It's such a gift to gain new understanding. I don't think I can explain it any more than that.