Pre-op for second surgery
My cousin Nichole came to Auburn and spent some time before my pre-op appointment for the second surgery. My Mom has always been available to take me to everything, but it became too much. Too much of one person. I made a selfish decision to bring someone else with me, and I don't regret it. That was quite a lesson for me, just the whole thing.
So I went into that appointment pretty uninformed about what would happen. They didn't tell me much beforehand, so I learned a lot. The technical term for the procedure is a lateral neck dissection. That indicates that lymph nodes are being removed. (I'm immersing myself more in online research and thyroid cancer online forums, so I'm starting to know my stuff). Dr. Doctor wanted to basically slice up the left side of my neck to remove as many lymph nodes as possible. The theory he outlined was roughly, "Let's get all that we can while we're in there." I remember him saying, "I don't want to be picking at this for years." And you know like I said, I've been reading a lot more about other people's experiences and people have been picked at for years. People have had multiple surgeries later on after a thyroidectomy because malignant nodules have come up. I can't speculate why their lymph nodes weren't removed or whatever, but basically my surgeon wanted to go about it this way so that no more cancer could show up on that side.
Because there was a malignant nodule in there that measured roughly 2 cm x 2cm that indicated metastasis to the lymph nodes, they had no idea if that was the only cancer there, or if all the local lymph nodes had cancer in them. So he wanted to make a really huge fat nasty incision, (my words, not his) to get all that he could.
The risks of the surgery were daunting, but of course I didn't take them seriously! You must know that about me by now. He said there were many vital nerves and an important muscle right in the area he would be in. He said if those nerves get "banged up," some things could happen. He said there could be some shoulder pain, obviously on the left side. And he said some people come out of surgery with a droopy lip, on the left side of their mouth. He said it'd be a longer surgery, and the recovery time would be longer. He said I'd need to stay in the hospital three to four days. He said a drain would need to be in for longer because it's a bigger incision.
He talked about correcting the scar from first surgery. I think as a surgeon, he really didn't like looking at it. It was pretty fat compared to how that scar tends to look on other people. I think he didn't like me walking around as a representation of his work with such a poorly healed scar. But I felt so differently about it, seriously. I was talking to a friend and fellow blogger, Katie, about it the other day and I got really emotional. It's like, I fought so hard to get this thing to close up, and it was so painful and everything. When I looked at the fat scar, I rejoiced. It felt like I survived. I had felt like it would never close back up. So for someone else to see it and think it's not healed well enough? That was tough. I saw it as perfect and beautiful and a reflection of what I went through. By the way, this is a total hindsight 20/20 thing. I don't know if I could have articulated all that when this was happening, which was like five weeks ago. It just seemed muddled and confusing. But now I can tell you that's what was at play. So Dr. Doctor had suggested the idea of correcting the scar back in June, after it was healed. I immediately rejected the idea of having elective, cosmetic surgery. Now, he offered to correct the scar during this surgery. I had to ponder that. I feared that it would open back up again. That pain that I felt is still very close to the surface for me. I think I've developed a really protective instinct over myself, so my reaction is to shut out any idea of something hurting my neck.
So I said I'd think it over and let him know if I wanted him to correct it. He said the incision would start right where the first one ended, and go up the side of my neck, ending at the earlobe. Later that week, I was able to schedule the surgery for September 14.
I was pretty disappointed that I had to have more surgery and take time off of work and everything, but in some ways it kind of qualified me more as a "cancer patient." I had this fear at first of using the word cancer because I didn't feel like I qualified. I felt like breast cancer, colon cancer or lung cancer were like the real cancers because they required chemotherapy and they seemed scarier maybe. I guess I had a lot of old ideas about cancer and I just didn't have all the information. And with thyroid cancer, I'm not going to lose my hair or anything. A lot of people ask me, "When are you having chemotherapy?" And the answer is that chemotherapy is not used to treat thyroid cancer.
So to learn that I had a cancer that some called a more ideal cancer, I felt like it wasn't really cancer. Because everywhere I turned, people tried to tell me how simple and uninvolved it was supposed to be. I've literally had acquaintances or friends of friends tell me to my face, "Oh, it's no big deal!" And even my doctors painted this picture of surgery, radioactive iodine, and happily ever after. It's like my endocrinologist was trying to convince me that that would be it. In talking about it, she barely allowed for the possibly of metastasis and further surgery. Anyway, end rant. So I had a very hard time using the word cancer before I knew there would be a second surgery. After learning I'd have another surgery, I started to feel more comfortable. Like I'd earned it or something. And I had, but really anyone who's gotten a pathology report with the word carcinoma on it has cancer and has "earned" the right to use it. I think that all came from a fear of what other people might think. That fear has fallen off a little bit.
So I just pushed forward and waited for surgery. I dropped one of the classes I planned to take and kept one, an online class that was rather easy.
Also, can I just say that my brother Ryan and his fiancee Kristen had a beautiful baby girl in the midst of all this? She was born on July 23 and her name is Elynor. She's named after our maternal grandmother, who is 92. The birth of Elynor has been a bright light during what has been such a dark year. I will always remember that during all of it, I could text my sister in law and ask about her pregnancy and the impending labor. They live in North Carolina, so I have yet to meet my niece. I know, it's ridiculous. But they both send pictures regularly and it has been such a bright spot in my life.
So I went into that appointment pretty uninformed about what would happen. They didn't tell me much beforehand, so I learned a lot. The technical term for the procedure is a lateral neck dissection. That indicates that lymph nodes are being removed. (I'm immersing myself more in online research and thyroid cancer online forums, so I'm starting to know my stuff). Dr. Doctor wanted to basically slice up the left side of my neck to remove as many lymph nodes as possible. The theory he outlined was roughly, "Let's get all that we can while we're in there." I remember him saying, "I don't want to be picking at this for years." And you know like I said, I've been reading a lot more about other people's experiences and people have been picked at for years. People have had multiple surgeries later on after a thyroidectomy because malignant nodules have come up. I can't speculate why their lymph nodes weren't removed or whatever, but basically my surgeon wanted to go about it this way so that no more cancer could show up on that side.
Because there was a malignant nodule in there that measured roughly 2 cm x 2cm that indicated metastasis to the lymph nodes, they had no idea if that was the only cancer there, or if all the local lymph nodes had cancer in them. So he wanted to make a really huge fat nasty incision, (my words, not his) to get all that he could.
The risks of the surgery were daunting, but of course I didn't take them seriously! You must know that about me by now. He said there were many vital nerves and an important muscle right in the area he would be in. He said if those nerves get "banged up," some things could happen. He said there could be some shoulder pain, obviously on the left side. And he said some people come out of surgery with a droopy lip, on the left side of their mouth. He said it'd be a longer surgery, and the recovery time would be longer. He said I'd need to stay in the hospital three to four days. He said a drain would need to be in for longer because it's a bigger incision.
He talked about correcting the scar from first surgery. I think as a surgeon, he really didn't like looking at it. It was pretty fat compared to how that scar tends to look on other people. I think he didn't like me walking around as a representation of his work with such a poorly healed scar. But I felt so differently about it, seriously. I was talking to a friend and fellow blogger, Katie, about it the other day and I got really emotional. It's like, I fought so hard to get this thing to close up, and it was so painful and everything. When I looked at the fat scar, I rejoiced. It felt like I survived. I had felt like it would never close back up. So for someone else to see it and think it's not healed well enough? That was tough. I saw it as perfect and beautiful and a reflection of what I went through. By the way, this is a total hindsight 20/20 thing. I don't know if I could have articulated all that when this was happening, which was like five weeks ago. It just seemed muddled and confusing. But now I can tell you that's what was at play. So Dr. Doctor had suggested the idea of correcting the scar back in June, after it was healed. I immediately rejected the idea of having elective, cosmetic surgery. Now, he offered to correct the scar during this surgery. I had to ponder that. I feared that it would open back up again. That pain that I felt is still very close to the surface for me. I think I've developed a really protective instinct over myself, so my reaction is to shut out any idea of something hurting my neck.
So I said I'd think it over and let him know if I wanted him to correct it. He said the incision would start right where the first one ended, and go up the side of my neck, ending at the earlobe. Later that week, I was able to schedule the surgery for September 14.
I was pretty disappointed that I had to have more surgery and take time off of work and everything, but in some ways it kind of qualified me more as a "cancer patient." I had this fear at first of using the word cancer because I didn't feel like I qualified. I felt like breast cancer, colon cancer or lung cancer were like the real cancers because they required chemotherapy and they seemed scarier maybe. I guess I had a lot of old ideas about cancer and I just didn't have all the information. And with thyroid cancer, I'm not going to lose my hair or anything. A lot of people ask me, "When are you having chemotherapy?" And the answer is that chemotherapy is not used to treat thyroid cancer.
So to learn that I had a cancer that some called a more ideal cancer, I felt like it wasn't really cancer. Because everywhere I turned, people tried to tell me how simple and uninvolved it was supposed to be. I've literally had acquaintances or friends of friends tell me to my face, "Oh, it's no big deal!" And even my doctors painted this picture of surgery, radioactive iodine, and happily ever after. It's like my endocrinologist was trying to convince me that that would be it. In talking about it, she barely allowed for the possibly of metastasis and further surgery. Anyway, end rant. So I had a very hard time using the word cancer before I knew there would be a second surgery. After learning I'd have another surgery, I started to feel more comfortable. Like I'd earned it or something. And I had, but really anyone who's gotten a pathology report with the word carcinoma on it has cancer and has "earned" the right to use it. I think that all came from a fear of what other people might think. That fear has fallen off a little bit.
So I just pushed forward and waited for surgery. I dropped one of the classes I planned to take and kept one, an online class that was rather easy.
Also, can I just say that my brother Ryan and his fiancee Kristen had a beautiful baby girl in the midst of all this? She was born on July 23 and her name is Elynor. She's named after our maternal grandmother, who is 92. The birth of Elynor has been a bright light during what has been such a dark year. I will always remember that during all of it, I could text my sister in law and ask about her pregnancy and the impending labor. They live in North Carolina, so I have yet to meet my niece. I know, it's ridiculous. But they both send pictures regularly and it has been such a bright spot in my life.
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