Progress
I have made immense progress physically since the beginning of the year. It's funny because I got pretty lazy with the physical therapy exercises I was supposed to do. I've been going to yoga as much as possible and I think that had an impact. One day I was standing in front of the mirror stretching my arm and I found that from my arm hanging at my side, I could reach all the way up without any pain. I was shocked. Today marks 25 weeks since my last surgery and I have very little numbness. The space where my neck meets my jaw still feels a little "asleep" if that makes sense. But right now I'm generally able to do things like I used to. It feels like a whirlwind and I can't believe it's been 25 weeks.
Here is a picture my Dad took. We went hiking in the hills of Livermore and stumbled on a beautiful vista.
Arms straight out!
A few weeks before I went to visit my Dad, a friend I knew from high school died. His name is Matt and he was 20 years old when his life was taken. I don't want to go into details because there's a lot of hearsay. An 18 year old guy is on trial for his murder. It was really upsetting. The funeral was devastating. Matt was a really nice guy and countless people speak so highly of him. He affected so many people. There weren't enough seats for all the people who came to his fueneral. He was the guy who was friends with everyone. I was not that person. For many reasons I was just not the person who was comfortable enough with herself to want to get to know everyone and be friends with anyone. But that was Matt.
It just really hurts when people die. I don't need to expand on that. It felt like there was a storm cloud over me for about two weeks. It's easy for me to slip into deep apathy and feel like nothing matters. I think, "Did Matt shower that morning? What was he thinking about? Did he have any money with him? Was he worried about money?" And I get to thinking that nothing matters, especially money. I just get into a gnarly headspace about, "What if I died tomorrow?" and that's not something I need to marinade on for too long. I start to fear that I could die and I fear how it would be if my loved ones die.
It just takes time to shrug that stuff off. Here's a picture of Matt and I when we were 16.
I was tutoring a Spanish 1 class that he happened to be in. Most of the students were freshmen, and then there was Matt. We laughed really hard. I don't remember this picture being taken. I don't remember a lot from this time.
On a silver-colored spirit day, Matt stood out in green.
I was in the front row screaming. It feels like a lifetime ago.
I don't necessarily think God sits in a high tower and makes moves to teach us things. Because that's insane. But I can learn something from everything. With every death I grieve, I get to appreciate the people who are still here a little more.
Everyone experiences death, but it's not normal that so many young people I know have died. I know eight young people in my town who have died in the last four years. Most have been drug-related, can't sugar-coat that.
I'm really grateful to be alive. I don't know what's going to happen, but just for today I'm alive and cancer hasn't taken my life.
Here is a picture my Dad took. We went hiking in the hills of Livermore and stumbled on a beautiful vista.
A few weeks before I went to visit my Dad, a friend I knew from high school died. His name is Matt and he was 20 years old when his life was taken. I don't want to go into details because there's a lot of hearsay. An 18 year old guy is on trial for his murder. It was really upsetting. The funeral was devastating. Matt was a really nice guy and countless people speak so highly of him. He affected so many people. There weren't enough seats for all the people who came to his fueneral. He was the guy who was friends with everyone. I was not that person. For many reasons I was just not the person who was comfortable enough with herself to want to get to know everyone and be friends with anyone. But that was Matt.
It just really hurts when people die. I don't need to expand on that. It felt like there was a storm cloud over me for about two weeks. It's easy for me to slip into deep apathy and feel like nothing matters. I think, "Did Matt shower that morning? What was he thinking about? Did he have any money with him? Was he worried about money?" And I get to thinking that nothing matters, especially money. I just get into a gnarly headspace about, "What if I died tomorrow?" and that's not something I need to marinade on for too long. I start to fear that I could die and I fear how it would be if my loved ones die.
It just takes time to shrug that stuff off. Here's a picture of Matt and I when we were 16.
I was tutoring a Spanish 1 class that he happened to be in. Most of the students were freshmen, and then there was Matt. We laughed really hard. I don't remember this picture being taken. I don't remember a lot from this time.
On a silver-colored spirit day, Matt stood out in green.
I was in the front row screaming. It feels like a lifetime ago.
I don't necessarily think God sits in a high tower and makes moves to teach us things. Because that's insane. But I can learn something from everything. With every death I grieve, I get to appreciate the people who are still here a little more.
Everyone experiences death, but it's not normal that so many young people I know have died. I know eight young people in my town who have died in the last four years. Most have been drug-related, can't sugar-coat that.
I'm really grateful to be alive. I don't know what's going to happen, but just for today I'm alive and cancer hasn't taken my life.
I was driving to work today and thought of you and wondered how you were doing because I haven't had a chance to ask you one-on-one.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about Matt, but I think what you said above is a testament to the life you live. I am proud to know you and call you my friend, and I am so glad to see you getting better every week!