Six years out
Six years post-diagnosis....wow. And I can't believe I haven't written in a year! Wedding planning kept me so busy! I married my best friend, my husband, Labor Day weekend 2017. We honeymooned in Jamaica and had a blast.
So what has the last year held for me? Honestly, what comes to mind are the two incredible women I knew who died of cancer. I hated typing those words.
I knew a woman named Betsy who was one of the kindest souls I've ever met. She was a former smoker and she died of metastatic lung cancer just four months after being diagnosed. She and I had talked about her diagnosis. She was a very spiritual person and she eagerly brought that to having cancer. I remember her saying, "I don't hate my cancer. I grew it in my body. I'm going to love my cancer because it's a part of me." That blew my mind! I had never considered that. I have written on this blog about hating my cancer. Betsy was a student of A Course in Miracles, which is a spiritual text that really puts conventional thinking on its head, in the best way! Betsy passing away was a significant loss. I hated that she died so close to my wedding. When you get married, you want to pretend that you and your husband will live forever, and nothing bad will ever happen. Her death did not allow me to pretend. It certainly wasn't her fault, but the timing of her death gave me some things to reflect on. You don't really want to reflect on your mortality when you're planning your wedding and looking forward to a life of happiness, but that is real life. She and her husband Mathew hadn't even been married that long before she died. It was and still is so hard to make sense of...the way Betsy lived her life definitely makes me want to raise the bar and just bring more peace, kindness, and love into everything I do. Betsy lived for 59 years and I am so glad.
This is so painful to write....
I knew another woman who died of cancer last year. Her name was Laura. Just like with Betsy, Laura and I had conversations about our shared malady. We talked about post-cancer life and adjusting to the new normal. Laura had ovarian cancer and she lived three years after diagnosis. Her cancer was in remission at one point, before things went south again. It is really hard for me to make sense of how such a light like Laura didn't get to stay on Earth in her physical body as long as others. She left a big impression during her time here. She worked long and hard to become an MFT therapist, and she bounded through life obstacles with such tenacity. She was almost unshakable. As I write about her, I am reminded how much I looked up to her and how much I hate that she's not with us any more.
How the hell did both these women die in the last year?? And they were both such awesome, spiritual people....it is very frustrating. When I get upset about death, I think about the story of Tuck Everlasting. If life never ends, it really lacks meaning. It is the fact that life ends that makes it so special for the time we have it.
What do I know? It just hurts to recall this.
So where am I at today? Couple things...I've been struggling with physical pain and strain in my neck, and in my left shoulder which has nerve damage from my dissection surgery. I told my endocrinologist at my annual appointment last month about the baseline strain I feel in my neck and she said none of her dissection patients experience that. I was so shocked. It hurts to know that I've been living with failing to mention stuff to her that I always thought was normal. She talked to my surgeon and they said I could physical therapy. Duh. (shrug). My other complaint to her was that I've had a few instances of red hot electrical nerve pain in my shoulder, while showering. This does not make sense five years post-op. My endo and surgeon have no explanation. So after I saw my endo, my shoulders got so tight that my day to day work duties as a nanny, and just doing stuff at home, started to get so uncomfortable. I got a massage and that helped a lot. The massage therapist confirmed how tight I was, and she said I'm likely compensating on my right side, to the point where my right side is actually worse off. So frustrating. I've been using a heating pad and I'm trying to refrain from stretching, and I'm trying to get my muscles looser and relaxed. As I've said on this blog in the past, it's better than being dead.
I'm also about to turn 26 and I won't be on my dad's insurance plan any more. My current job doesn't offer benefits. The timing of it seems so silly because from 18 to 23, I worked jobs that offered benefits, and I never needed to take advantage; I was always able to decline. And now here I am, in need of benefits, in a job that is really great and pays well, but doesn't offer benefits. My endocrinologist was so helpful and understanding. She said I can go one year without insurance, without issue. With where I'm at, she's comfortable with that. She even said she could continue prescribing me thyroid medication, provided that I do blood work every three months and have the results sent to her. So I would pay cash for the lab, cash for the medicine, but I'd save myself from going to a new endocrinologist and paying cash for that visit, etc. I haven't decided if I'll buy insurance right after I lose my current insurance. We will see.
My husband applied to medical school last fall and actually didn't get into any schools, and didn't even get a single interview. His stats are great, so we are trying not to be discouraged, and he will reapply this June. So we still don't know if we're looking at some big cross-country move, or if we're staying in California. To be continued!
Life is good. I love being a full time nanny for a family here in Davis. The two little ones really keep me on my toes! This summer I will complete my AA degree in Behavioral Science. I am going to really savor that. I can't wait. My education is something that cancer really screwed up for me.
I continue to get emails and instagram messages from people who have seen this blog. Thank you for reading, and for writing. Sitting down and writing this was I guess cathartic, but just feels like a pain. I don't like the feeling haha. Such a wimp. This is why I don't write more frequently. The way I live with small nodes of my cancer in my neck and a spot on my lung is that I don't confront that daily, and I move about life like there's no issue. My past with cancer was traumatic. But I know that it needs to be shared. God has made use of this experience, many times over.
Okay, I guess see you next year!
So what has the last year held for me? Honestly, what comes to mind are the two incredible women I knew who died of cancer. I hated typing those words.
I knew a woman named Betsy who was one of the kindest souls I've ever met. She was a former smoker and she died of metastatic lung cancer just four months after being diagnosed. She and I had talked about her diagnosis. She was a very spiritual person and she eagerly brought that to having cancer. I remember her saying, "I don't hate my cancer. I grew it in my body. I'm going to love my cancer because it's a part of me." That blew my mind! I had never considered that. I have written on this blog about hating my cancer. Betsy was a student of A Course in Miracles, which is a spiritual text that really puts conventional thinking on its head, in the best way! Betsy passing away was a significant loss. I hated that she died so close to my wedding. When you get married, you want to pretend that you and your husband will live forever, and nothing bad will ever happen. Her death did not allow me to pretend. It certainly wasn't her fault, but the timing of her death gave me some things to reflect on. You don't really want to reflect on your mortality when you're planning your wedding and looking forward to a life of happiness, but that is real life. She and her husband Mathew hadn't even been married that long before she died. It was and still is so hard to make sense of...the way Betsy lived her life definitely makes me want to raise the bar and just bring more peace, kindness, and love into everything I do. Betsy lived for 59 years and I am so glad.
This is so painful to write....
I knew another woman who died of cancer last year. Her name was Laura. Just like with Betsy, Laura and I had conversations about our shared malady. We talked about post-cancer life and adjusting to the new normal. Laura had ovarian cancer and she lived three years after diagnosis. Her cancer was in remission at one point, before things went south again. It is really hard for me to make sense of how such a light like Laura didn't get to stay on Earth in her physical body as long as others. She left a big impression during her time here. She worked long and hard to become an MFT therapist, and she bounded through life obstacles with such tenacity. She was almost unshakable. As I write about her, I am reminded how much I looked up to her and how much I hate that she's not with us any more.
How the hell did both these women die in the last year?? And they were both such awesome, spiritual people....it is very frustrating. When I get upset about death, I think about the story of Tuck Everlasting. If life never ends, it really lacks meaning. It is the fact that life ends that makes it so special for the time we have it.
What do I know? It just hurts to recall this.
So where am I at today? Couple things...I've been struggling with physical pain and strain in my neck, and in my left shoulder which has nerve damage from my dissection surgery. I told my endocrinologist at my annual appointment last month about the baseline strain I feel in my neck and she said none of her dissection patients experience that. I was so shocked. It hurts to know that I've been living with failing to mention stuff to her that I always thought was normal. She talked to my surgeon and they said I could physical therapy. Duh. (shrug). My other complaint to her was that I've had a few instances of red hot electrical nerve pain in my shoulder, while showering. This does not make sense five years post-op. My endo and surgeon have no explanation. So after I saw my endo, my shoulders got so tight that my day to day work duties as a nanny, and just doing stuff at home, started to get so uncomfortable. I got a massage and that helped a lot. The massage therapist confirmed how tight I was, and she said I'm likely compensating on my right side, to the point where my right side is actually worse off. So frustrating. I've been using a heating pad and I'm trying to refrain from stretching, and I'm trying to get my muscles looser and relaxed. As I've said on this blog in the past, it's better than being dead.
I'm also about to turn 26 and I won't be on my dad's insurance plan any more. My current job doesn't offer benefits. The timing of it seems so silly because from 18 to 23, I worked jobs that offered benefits, and I never needed to take advantage; I was always able to decline. And now here I am, in need of benefits, in a job that is really great and pays well, but doesn't offer benefits. My endocrinologist was so helpful and understanding. She said I can go one year without insurance, without issue. With where I'm at, she's comfortable with that. She even said she could continue prescribing me thyroid medication, provided that I do blood work every three months and have the results sent to her. So I would pay cash for the lab, cash for the medicine, but I'd save myself from going to a new endocrinologist and paying cash for that visit, etc. I haven't decided if I'll buy insurance right after I lose my current insurance. We will see.
My husband applied to medical school last fall and actually didn't get into any schools, and didn't even get a single interview. His stats are great, so we are trying not to be discouraged, and he will reapply this June. So we still don't know if we're looking at some big cross-country move, or if we're staying in California. To be continued!
Life is good. I love being a full time nanny for a family here in Davis. The two little ones really keep me on my toes! This summer I will complete my AA degree in Behavioral Science. I am going to really savor that. I can't wait. My education is something that cancer really screwed up for me.
I continue to get emails and instagram messages from people who have seen this blog. Thank you for reading, and for writing. Sitting down and writing this was I guess cathartic, but just feels like a pain. I don't like the feeling haha. Such a wimp. This is why I don't write more frequently. The way I live with small nodes of my cancer in my neck and a spot on my lung is that I don't confront that daily, and I move about life like there's no issue. My past with cancer was traumatic. But I know that it needs to be shared. God has made use of this experience, many times over.
Okay, I guess see you next year!
You are a gifted writer, Cait, with wisdom well beyond your years. Thank you for sharing this journey.
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