Fear sloughs off

I am encountering some more shifts and changes in life that feel relevant to this blog so blog again I shall. I have enrolled in college again, and I start next week. It happened quickly in that I decided to enroll yesterday, and yet I've been working on this decision for a few years. Throughout being treated for thyroid cancer I became increasingly frustrated with how it interfered with school, and I eventually talked myself out of college altogether. I became disillusioned with the whole system, the incredible debt I would amass, and I also got scared as most 21 year olds do. I've been out of college the last two years and looking back, I've just been rebuilding my life and getting a foothold again after this metastatic disease knocked me down. I've shared openly on here the trauma and sadness I faced after the surgeries and treatment I had. The blues mostly came after it was all over. 2013, a year where I had no treatment at all, was a very hard time.

Then my yoga practice kicked up, and I completed a 200 hour yoga teacher training. That really inspired me and got me back to the light, trying pursue a life again. So I've been working full time and teaching yoga on kind of an irregular basis, and have been hearing a lot of encouragement from my loved ones to return to school. I have also been reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, and that's been opening my heart more and more. A lot of fear has just sloughed off and I feel ready to again step into a starring role in my life. Where the last couple years my world was contracting and darkening and shrinking and I was barely speaking to anyone, not reaching out at all, the last year my world has been ever-expanding outward on a beautiful trajectory. Unbeknownst to me until recently, making new friends, teaching yoga as often as possible, getting a new job, and seeking a more disciplined prayer and medication practice has been preparing me to take on this new endeavor of not only returning to school, but going with a new major, aiming for a different university, but with no real plan of a career and with little attachment to the outcome. Talks with my boyfriend of nearly seven years about our future still leave us with no answer on exactly what's going to happen, but I'm finally done allowing that to keep me out of college. I don't know where medical school (for him) or residency will take us, and I don't know where we'll live or when we will start a family or even if I have time to finish my degree before we move next. But I'm ready to start back anyway. I'm going for a degree in linguistics, because no other degree speaks to my skills better. I am not in the business of outcomes, I leave that to my creator. My life is really none of my business, I am just here to be of maximum service to my fellows, and part of that means using my talents to their fullest potential. The following quote from Marianne Williamson is one that is very popular on the internet, and for good reason. Really the whole chapter devoted to Work is so enlightening.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I am so very grateful to be called back to pursuing something I started five years ago. Johnny and I are moving to Davis in less than two weeks. He is working on finishing his degree in pharmaceutical chemistry. His commitment to education has inspired me so much. He is a big supporter of my returning to school, and I think he's even more proud that I plan to attend UC Davis as well.

We recently backpacked in the Tahoe National Forest and had such a good time. Life is really good.

And yet, I can fearlessly go back to college, and climb mountains, and feel the sun on my face and bask in the grace of god, all while knowing there is cancer in my neck and I don't know what's going to happen with it. Yes, it remains unchanged. But it's there. And I'm always so amazed at how little it bothers me. It's a great example of how god has changed my heart and how love can heal all fears. Again, I am not in the business of outcomes. Another Marianne quote comes to mind:

"The experience of illness is a call to a genuinely religious life. In that sense, it is for many people one of the best things that ever happened to them. One of the problems with illness is that it strongly tempts us to obsess about the body at the very time when we need most to concentrate on the spirit...Changing our lives can be difficult. For a person who has been diagnosed with a physical ailment, the call to change is imperative....Love changes the way we think about our disease...Of course people hate their cancer, or hate their AIDS, but the last thing a sick person needs is something else to hate about themselves. Healing results from a transformed perception of our relationship to illness, one in which we respond to the problem with love instead of fear...Cancer and AIDS and other serious illness are physical manifestations of a psychic scream, and their message is not "Hate me," but "Love me.""

Anyway, I could go on forever, quoting the amazing perspective of illness in this book. Suffice to say, my heart has been opened and my mind has been changed as a result of changes I've made in my life, and also from reading this amazing book. I can't wait to see what unfolds! I'll keep you posted.