May it not take cancer

Would you believe that in this 2012 pic I'm in between cancer surgeries, with an infected hypertrophic scar, off thyroid meds and up 10+ lbs, unable to get through the day without an afternoon nap, facing down a radioactive treatment that required isolation and entailed extreme nausea and fatigue for days?! And I was so happy! Johnny and I went camping and had such an amazing time in the midst of all the chaos. i was in such survival mode here, clinging hard to all the gifts I had in front of me, and to any joy I came upon. I think I was desperate to feel good and enjoy anything I could. What an interesting time for me. I can honestly say I was so grateful and so with god during this time. It's two and a half years later and I get angry and entitled in traffic and I've pulled back in relationships and gotten isolated, and I think I trust god and walk in faith but truly it hasn't felt awesome to be in my skin lately. Somehow I've gotten away from the idea that since I could die tomorrow, I better be free today, this idea that if I could go at any time, I ought to live a life where I don't hold grudges, owe amends, or hold onto anything that's not mine. I've been letting things get to me lately and I desire to be renewed in this spirit of really behaving in a way that tomorrow's not promised and knowing I don't have time to mope around and be fearful and squander the hours thinking of myself and my problems rather than thinking of others, helping others, and being an instrument of peace. I was so there in 2012. The fallout came later. I felt the trauma later and had to sort through what the hell happened. But the most instant ripples of having thyroid cancer I think was a change in my attitude and outlook on life. I can see that now. What a huge gift that was. I was certainly unprepared for what happened to me, but then in a spiritual sense, aren't we all always being prepared at any given time for what's next? God is everything or he is nothing. I don't grow spiritually the day I win the lottery or get promoted--it's through these spiritual stretch marks that I really gain traction and can walk in the sunlight of the spirit. What a mindfuck that cancer took me here. But it was a such a gift. To knock my 19 year old self on her ass, and to give her a new perspective she could not have gotten any other way. I was already on the path, and I somehow was fast tracked to learn those spiritual lessons when I did. And yet here I am now, back to my old life, able to move freely in the world with little to no pain, little to no worry of my future in the context of my health, this old head space I would have done anything to get back. And complacency has set in.

I just saw this picture of me again tonight and was inspired to write the above, because I truly connected to how happy I was, how hungry for life and experience I was, how I really was meeting the world with arms open. It started as an instagram post and as I kept writing, it was obvious I needed to take it to the blog. The third anniversary of my diagnosis is fast approaching and I'm well aware. It's a rough time of year. This time three years ago I had lost my grandad, my aunt, and a friend from high school. Death was all around, and I had no idea what I was about to face. This time of year feels dark but just looking at that picture, it was so bright on that trip. So bright at times throughout the cancer journey. I've shared the spiritual awakening I had during isolation, laying on my couch feeling dead, and meeting god one more time. Feeling so carried by god again. I am always that taken care of, that provided for, that connected to the divine. It's when my perception shifts that I awaken to what is always there. May it not take cancer for us to be awakened to the spirit of the universe, whatever that is for you. May it not have to come to tragedy or mortality for us to recommit to the spirit of forgiveness and walking freely, without resentment or attachment to specific outcomes.

I will go to bed tonight with a grateful heart, happy to have shared with you all again. Thank you for participating in this cathartic practice that is this blog.