I will be happy when...

I saw this again today and was inspired to write about it. I’ve seen it before, and it has always disturbed me. I would even venture to say that imagery like this is dangerous. Some of us can fall into a trap of thinking “I will be happy when….” Social media seems to perpetuate imagery and quotes that romanticize the past, the future, and pretty much everything. I just have so many questions when I read this ridiculous statement. You think you will have made it when you have a car and a house? You can’t wait to just acquire this specific set of things? What are you going to do to get there? You really want to just fast forward to some later time in your life because you think having a house, car and family will mean you have “made it?” Haven’t you seen Click? It’s bad to fast forward! Could you really enjoy things you haven’t earned? Does the universe not prepare us for what we are to receive/experience?

These types of wishes for material things or for skipping to the good part, where we’ve “made it” are so dangerous to me. It is the opposite of living in the here and now. It is the opposite of the work that I do in yoga as a student, and what I encourage for my students when I teach. There’s so much to be said for the middle part. Me being 22, I’m kind of there now. I’m on my way to maybe “making it” later or maybe losing everything, maybe dying, maybe not. That’s really how my mind works. I’m living on borrowed time, bonus miles. No guarantees. Yes I want to travel, have a family later on, and own a home. But I wouldn’t say I “can’t wait.” The work I’m doing right now is so important.

At the end of this post will be a link to a TED talk on how our 20s tend to be skipped over, and the speaker makes a great case for not throwing those years away, as many people regard your 30s as the time when it all comes together. And as she says, I’m in a very important part of my adult development right now. So I can’t wish away the life I have now. I have to really want what I have. I have to do the internal work now. If I’m always wishing I was somewhere else, will anything ever make me happy? When I “make it,” will I really be able to enjoy that? Or will it be on to the next, coveting some other possessions or circumstances or amount of money that other people have? Only when I’m filled up spiritually can I have a life where any external circumstances are okay with me. I can honestly say tomorrow my house (apartment) could burn down, I could crash my car, and god forbid maybe lose some people in my life. It would be awful, but I would be okay. That alone can’t kill me. It can’t destroy me physically, or worse, kill me spiritually. I can’t place my dependence on people, places, things, or scenarios I make up that don’t yet exist. I can only put my trust in the divine and do the work I’m here to do. When we focus on everything going on on the outside, we miss huge opportunities for internal growth. I just ache for those who really can’t look past the surface. Believe me, I do it too. I’m only recently pulling my head out of my ass and living in today. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly six years and we still don’t live together, just based on logistics and education goals on his part. At this point I kind of feel like I deserve some type of internationally-recognized award for patience. I used to yearn for later times, future times, when later on down the road I can spend more time with this person I love. He’s a pre-med student and obviously is very busy. It’s easy to slip into thinking it will be so much “easier” later on after med school, or some other time. But it’s not like doctors work like 30 hours per week? At some point I realized I have to be here now. That situation will present its own set of challenges, and I will wish I could have back the alone time I have now, the space, or maybe it will be awesome. All speculation.

I also think that my experience is my greatest asset. What else do I have really, that can’t be taken away from me? Nothing, but my experience, and my connection to a divine being. Everything else can and will be taken. Sidebar-why am I so focused on things being taken away? Well this is a blog about cancer, and mortality and loss are big themes. So while personally actually my life is really good right now, I don’t pretend there isn’t more loss and heartache down the road. So this is what we talk about here. I digress. I wouldn’t want to fast forward my life. I wouldn’t want to skip to the part where I have everything I think I want. Even a few years ago, at 18 or 19, if I had been given everything I said I wanted then, I would be so fucked, and I would have been shortchanging myself. I know my creator has wonderful things in store for me, and I don’t know what’s around the corner. I know that I don’t want to miss out on the journey. I don’t want to be asleep at the wheel here. I want to take it all in, and have the experiences that are required to get to the “good stuff” later on that won’t even really make me happy anyway. I really just want to cook, and make art, and do yoga, and laugh with my friends, and run errands with my boyfriend. Because it’s all bonus miles. Who says I get a house?

It’s so important that I have the struggles I’m having right now. I just moved this weekend, out of an apartment I had moved into five weeks prior. I’ve lived in like five or six apartments now. And I have a new perspective today on past experiences I had, that I could not have had if I didn’t endure what I just came out of. These experiences are just so important. My creator is shaping and sculpting me, and putting me through things that challenges my judgment of myself, my judgment of others, the preconceived notions I have of how things are, and all my complaints about life. I’m being challenged, and I’m being affected by what’s going on around me, and I’m here to feel it all. I’m not checked out, wishing time would go by faster. I want time to slow down, I truly want to be here now. Tomorrow is not promised. I may not know what my purpose on this earth is, I may not know exactly what it is I’m supposed to do, although I have a pretty good idea. But I know what I wasn’t put here to do: to scroll through images and quotes online that tell me it’ll be better later. That life will be better later on, when certain specific conditions are met, then I’ll be happy. I’ll be happy when I meet him, or acquire that, nevermind who I am or if I’ve been prepared by the universe to arrive at such a place.

So I wrote all of that straight out in less than 10 minutes! Just all came out. I feel so strongly that everything is happening as it should, on a timeline I can’t see, all in divine order and time, I am just so not in charge. I just do god’s work, I am an instrument of divine spirit, and I keep my head down and be of service, and any joy or happiness I feel is all extra.


Here is the link to Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20