Tiny bits of cancer/The blues
I've taken to calling the remaining cancer in my neck "tiny bits of cancer." They actually have not grown in size since July. I am pleased. I've had my thyroglobulin checked twice since an ultrasound showed the three small pieces in my neck, measuring 5mm and smaller. I had a series of injections and scans in August that confirmed for my doctors that that's all the cancer there is. Apparently if the numbers had went a certain way, it would suggest cancer is elsewhere, but not the case for me. I will have blood work and another ultrasound in three months. So we'll see what comes of that!
I spent September and October cooking and doing a lot of yoga and worrying about money a lot. My car kept needing more repairs, and so I had to buy a new (used) car in October. I saw a nutritionist a few weeks ago who I'm going to work with, trying to heal my body with supplements and lifestyle changes. I'll put up a separate post for that. There's a lot to say.
I've really had the blues lately, I must say. I returned to work two weeks ago, and I had somewhat of a panic attack the second week, and that was three days ago. I started crying at my desk and try as I might, I physically could not stop crying. I went into the bathroom and tried to pull it together, but there was no end in sight. I left work early. Fortunately I work with people who are very understanding. I am so grateful. I was able to text my supervisor and let her know that I'd left. My body was buzzing with anxious energy, and I actually took back roads home to avoid the freeway. I was very upset. I cried off and on all the rest of the day. I've had a hard time lately dealing with the fact that I have cancer in my body and nothing can be done about it right now. When I think about that being in my body, I just get really upset. I'm also really worried about my financial standing. I think the proper accounting term is "fucked." I'm fucked. Disability doesn't pay well, I probably spend a little too much on food but seriously I'm just trying to keep my body healthy, and then I bought a car and now have a car payment. I was hoping it would all work out, but recently it's felt like the walls are closing in on me and possibly the sky might be falling. Returning to work is good because soon I'll have full paychecks again, but it's actually very hard for me because there are two people in the office who do my old jobs...one went on a business trip to NYC last week, and that's a trip I would have gone on had I not stepped down from the position and taken the last three months off. Another person manages the team I used to manage. And so now that I've come back to work, I'm a member of that team again, no longer in management. I won't say I'm at the bottom of the food chain, but, well, there's no one under me any longer. These people work hard and deserve to move up within the company and they didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to be okay at work right now, seeing external things that confirm and remind me that I have cancer, and I'm shown over and over what I've lost due to this illness. In the last week I have just been thinking, "If I didn't have cancer, I'd still be the manager." It makes me really sad. Also, can I say that it's obvious the new manager is doing exceptionally well and I'm just feeling inferior? I don't think that's really cancer stuff, that's just life stuff. I am going to work from home for the next week or so. I mean, somehow I need to be okay at work. I think I was very calm when I was diagnosed with cancer and there was a calmness and peace about me during a lot of what happened, but lately I'm finding it hard to be calm. Some people around me have used works like "suppressed" and "repressed" and maybe even "denial." I resent those suggestions. I think I've dealt with everything as it's come, and now lately for some reason I've been depressed. I don't know, maybe I was just in survival mode in the beginning and I had to keep it together. Maybe I couldn't afford to lose it in 2012 (though really, I had my moments). Honestly, three months ago when I found out that I was not cancer-free and I ended up going on disability again, I had been feeling like I was on the cusp of going nuts, or something like that. I feel like that sadness or that bad juju maybe lied dormant for that time while I was off work, and I was able to rest and calm down. And now I return to work and unravel within 10 days? I don't know, man. I haven't seen a lot of fellow thyca people talking about professional setbacks due to having cancer, so I wanted to share that. I can't speculate on how my life would be if I didn't have cancer. It's better for me to not be in management right now because that was always a source of stress in my life. It's just hard seeing two people at work doing my old jobs, and one is even at my old desk. It feels like things have been taken away from me, that's all. No, I wasn't forced to step down or anything. But I felt like I had to. I have just not felt at ease lately. I have an appointment to see a therapist next week, if you must know. I guess that's cool.
I went to a thyroid cancer support group today for the first time. Of course the address on the thyca.org webpage ended up being wrong and it turned out the location was six miles further down a busy road with several stoplights. (To me, this is fitting. Initial misdiagnosis, wrong name on the whiteboard in the OR, of course the address I had for the group was wrong. A comedy of errors). There were three people there, plus me. Pretty small group. It was an informal format, and we just talked and shared stories for over two hours. I have to say, I was relieved I wasn't the "worst" one there. One guy's circumstances were very similar to mine, but with more metastases and more cancer I think. He had a bilateral neck dissection, though, and he had a tumor on his jugular vein, and other things like that. And he currently has leftover cancer in his neck (after multiples surgeries and two radioactive iodine treatments totaling 350 millicuries) that the doctors that can't find. He's also having to stay in a state of hyperthyroid in the hopes that growth will be suppressed. If you put his story up to mine, there's a lot of overlap. The other two people didn't have metastatic cancer, but we still had things in common and we swapped stories about the low iodine diet, surgeries, radioactive iodine, thyroid replacement medication, doctors, surgeons and all that good stuff. The guy I mentioned had a really good outlook. He seemed calm and accepting of what's happened. It really struck me because it reminded me of things I used to say. I used to talk like him. I don't any more. I don't know how I got to be such a mess. I want to get to a better place. I want to have a sunny disposition again.
Don't get me wrong, I don't dread every waking moment. I still smile, and I laugh. Things just feel a little darker lately. I look forward to lightening up some and feeling better. I'm hoping seeing a therapist helps. I don't really think it well, but I feel like whatever, why not. There's no copay because she's still an intern, so what do I have to lose? Going to the support group helped. We got to gripe a little bit. I liked being with people who understood, and I especially liked that I could talk numbers with them, and we spoke the same language. While it's nice when friends and family of mine offer nuggets or wisdom or bits of positivity and optimism, sometimes I really don't want to hear it. But hearing positivity from people in the support group was easier to hear. I feel like these people have my permission to say those things. I don't know dude, cancer has messed me up in a way that sometimes I really don't like hearing about things in ways I don't like. Odd walls and boundaries have come up that I wasn't necessarily aware of. But these are my people. I don't want them to be and I don't ever want to go to a cancer support group again, but I will.
Yoga is keeping me sane, I think. At any given time, I'd really rather be on my mat. Here's what I've been up to:
.JPG)
Still smiling.
I spent September and October cooking and doing a lot of yoga and worrying about money a lot. My car kept needing more repairs, and so I had to buy a new (used) car in October. I saw a nutritionist a few weeks ago who I'm going to work with, trying to heal my body with supplements and lifestyle changes. I'll put up a separate post for that. There's a lot to say.
I've really had the blues lately, I must say. I returned to work two weeks ago, and I had somewhat of a panic attack the second week, and that was three days ago. I started crying at my desk and try as I might, I physically could not stop crying. I went into the bathroom and tried to pull it together, but there was no end in sight. I left work early. Fortunately I work with people who are very understanding. I am so grateful. I was able to text my supervisor and let her know that I'd left. My body was buzzing with anxious energy, and I actually took back roads home to avoid the freeway. I was very upset. I cried off and on all the rest of the day. I've had a hard time lately dealing with the fact that I have cancer in my body and nothing can be done about it right now. When I think about that being in my body, I just get really upset. I'm also really worried about my financial standing. I think the proper accounting term is "fucked." I'm fucked. Disability doesn't pay well, I probably spend a little too much on food but seriously I'm just trying to keep my body healthy, and then I bought a car and now have a car payment. I was hoping it would all work out, but recently it's felt like the walls are closing in on me and possibly the sky might be falling. Returning to work is good because soon I'll have full paychecks again, but it's actually very hard for me because there are two people in the office who do my old jobs...one went on a business trip to NYC last week, and that's a trip I would have gone on had I not stepped down from the position and taken the last three months off. Another person manages the team I used to manage. And so now that I've come back to work, I'm a member of that team again, no longer in management. I won't say I'm at the bottom of the food chain, but, well, there's no one under me any longer. These people work hard and deserve to move up within the company and they didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to be okay at work right now, seeing external things that confirm and remind me that I have cancer, and I'm shown over and over what I've lost due to this illness. In the last week I have just been thinking, "If I didn't have cancer, I'd still be the manager." It makes me really sad. Also, can I say that it's obvious the new manager is doing exceptionally well and I'm just feeling inferior? I don't think that's really cancer stuff, that's just life stuff. I am going to work from home for the next week or so. I mean, somehow I need to be okay at work. I think I was very calm when I was diagnosed with cancer and there was a calmness and peace about me during a lot of what happened, but lately I'm finding it hard to be calm. Some people around me have used works like "suppressed" and "repressed" and maybe even "denial." I resent those suggestions. I think I've dealt with everything as it's come, and now lately for some reason I've been depressed. I don't know, maybe I was just in survival mode in the beginning and I had to keep it together. Maybe I couldn't afford to lose it in 2012 (though really, I had my moments). Honestly, three months ago when I found out that I was not cancer-free and I ended up going on disability again, I had been feeling like I was on the cusp of going nuts, or something like that. I feel like that sadness or that bad juju maybe lied dormant for that time while I was off work, and I was able to rest and calm down. And now I return to work and unravel within 10 days? I don't know, man. I haven't seen a lot of fellow thyca people talking about professional setbacks due to having cancer, so I wanted to share that. I can't speculate on how my life would be if I didn't have cancer. It's better for me to not be in management right now because that was always a source of stress in my life. It's just hard seeing two people at work doing my old jobs, and one is even at my old desk. It feels like things have been taken away from me, that's all. No, I wasn't forced to step down or anything. But I felt like I had to. I have just not felt at ease lately. I have an appointment to see a therapist next week, if you must know. I guess that's cool.
I went to a thyroid cancer support group today for the first time. Of course the address on the thyca.org webpage ended up being wrong and it turned out the location was six miles further down a busy road with several stoplights. (To me, this is fitting. Initial misdiagnosis, wrong name on the whiteboard in the OR, of course the address I had for the group was wrong. A comedy of errors). There were three people there, plus me. Pretty small group. It was an informal format, and we just talked and shared stories for over two hours. I have to say, I was relieved I wasn't the "worst" one there. One guy's circumstances were very similar to mine, but with more metastases and more cancer I think. He had a bilateral neck dissection, though, and he had a tumor on his jugular vein, and other things like that. And he currently has leftover cancer in his neck (after multiples surgeries and two radioactive iodine treatments totaling 350 millicuries) that the doctors that can't find. He's also having to stay in a state of hyperthyroid in the hopes that growth will be suppressed. If you put his story up to mine, there's a lot of overlap. The other two people didn't have metastatic cancer, but we still had things in common and we swapped stories about the low iodine diet, surgeries, radioactive iodine, thyroid replacement medication, doctors, surgeons and all that good stuff. The guy I mentioned had a really good outlook. He seemed calm and accepting of what's happened. It really struck me because it reminded me of things I used to say. I used to talk like him. I don't any more. I don't know how I got to be such a mess. I want to get to a better place. I want to have a sunny disposition again.
Don't get me wrong, I don't dread every waking moment. I still smile, and I laugh. Things just feel a little darker lately. I look forward to lightening up some and feeling better. I'm hoping seeing a therapist helps. I don't really think it well, but I feel like whatever, why not. There's no copay because she's still an intern, so what do I have to lose? Going to the support group helped. We got to gripe a little bit. I liked being with people who understood, and I especially liked that I could talk numbers with them, and we spoke the same language. While it's nice when friends and family of mine offer nuggets or wisdom or bits of positivity and optimism, sometimes I really don't want to hear it. But hearing positivity from people in the support group was easier to hear. I feel like these people have my permission to say those things. I don't know dude, cancer has messed me up in a way that sometimes I really don't like hearing about things in ways I don't like. Odd walls and boundaries have come up that I wasn't necessarily aware of. But these are my people. I don't want them to be and I don't ever want to go to a cancer support group again, but I will.
Yoga is keeping me sane, I think. At any given time, I'd really rather be on my mat. Here's what I've been up to:
.JPG)
I love you Caitlin. Mom
ReplyDeleteFlawless neck line
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhat is your thyroglobulin number now?
ReplyDelete