Disconnecting, connecting
I have been in an interesting spot lately. Everyday is different, and most days I think I've subconsciously avoided and ignored the fact that I have cancer.
Wouldn't you?
But then it's damn painful to be reminded, to be connected back to the merciless truth. It's like I nod off and go on for a few days or weeks and I'm not dealing with it. And I don't mean to not deal with it, but I guess I've nodded off. And of course during that time I talk to people about where I'm at health-wise and I know I have cancer; I haven't forgotten. But I think when I "nod off," I feel very little to nothing at all about it. So waking up is a tearful and real thing.
Over the last few days, I think I've been "awakening" to the truth and feeling all the feelings. I found myself hysterically, deeply crying on Friday over the tiniest thing. Then I'm driving to a yoga class and get a really sweet message from my aunt, and I start crying in the car. And they weren't really happy tears, it was sad. I'm sad that my life is in such a state that people put me on their prayer lines at church and that friends are sending me flowers. This experience has shown me that I have such loving, giving family and friends, but I hate what has caused them to send me flowers and write me sweet messages.
I don't think I could deal with this everyday. I think I have to fall asleep every so often. I'm really upset that I have tiny bits of cancer in my neck that can't be operated on or treated with radioactive medicine. Last year, I'd frequent thyca.org and participate in message boards, giving my input where it might have been helpful. I haven't been on the website in over six months because I don't want to look it in the eye. I wanted to move on. They do send me emails a few times per month, so I'm reminded that I've kept this in my periphery. Tonight I was looking at the traffic on my blog and it's always interesting to Google search different phrases and see what will lead to my blog. Doing that lead me to someone's blog (http://strongerthanshelooks.blogspot.com/) and I really enjoyed reading it. And reading things like this snap me back into reality. The writer's words were extremely relatable for me ("life is on pause").
I've been deepening my yoga practice and have been practicing more often, so I have to wonder if that has something to do with the fact that I've sat down to write tonight. Today I practiced at home and I really enjoyed it. The healing power of yoga on my mind, body and spirit never ceases to amaze me.
One thing I just want to scream about is the fact that my hair has been falling out a little again. That is not a cancer thing, but rather a delayed side effect of being hyperthyroid months ago. Even though my medication has since been adjusted, it's too late for this part. It's disheartening to find hair all over my clothes and all over the floor after brushing my hair.
The way I picture what I'm going through is that I'm like a fish swimming around (stay with me) and there's like a rock or whatever and that's the fact that I have cancer. And it's not that I'm always swimming away from it...maybe some days I swim away from it, and maybe a lot of days I swim around it like in a circle, and then eventually I do go right to it. Writing this blog, I'm headed right to the cancer, to the truth, and same goes for when I revisit the thyca website. And I know that the only way to get through something and to deal with it and process and heal is to go right to it. I won't benefit from going around it or trying to find a loophole.
I wrote last year about how amazing it was when the facade was lifted and I realized that although I wasn't going to come out of this unscathed, I could still be okay. Yeah, I feel a little scathed. I'm kind of haunted by the dark year I've had. Like, things are bright right now. They definitely are. I have hope for future in yoga and I'm very excited to hopefully start a training program in January, and I'm also madly in love and that is a bright spot in my life, but I have some dark memories that come back to me and I can't believe I lived it, and am still living it. I do get a little depressed about it. I hesitate to use the word "depressed" because I don't want to take away from actual clinical depression, (I need to let go of what you think of me) but that's how I start to feel sometimes. The amount of money I get from disability is pretty discouraging, but I don't think I'll go back to work early. The only reason I have money right now is because people in my life gave me some. I'm living on very little right now. But I'm also getting plenty of sleep and I'm getting to slow down. Can you see me battling myself here on the pros and cons? Anyway.
I guess that's all I have to say. I think that needed to come out. I don't want to crawl back into the dark and have nothing but apathy and a desire to watch dark movies...I want to step into the light.
Wouldn't you?
But then it's damn painful to be reminded, to be connected back to the merciless truth. It's like I nod off and go on for a few days or weeks and I'm not dealing with it. And I don't mean to not deal with it, but I guess I've nodded off. And of course during that time I talk to people about where I'm at health-wise and I know I have cancer; I haven't forgotten. But I think when I "nod off," I feel very little to nothing at all about it. So waking up is a tearful and real thing.
Over the last few days, I think I've been "awakening" to the truth and feeling all the feelings. I found myself hysterically, deeply crying on Friday over the tiniest thing. Then I'm driving to a yoga class and get a really sweet message from my aunt, and I start crying in the car. And they weren't really happy tears, it was sad. I'm sad that my life is in such a state that people put me on their prayer lines at church and that friends are sending me flowers. This experience has shown me that I have such loving, giving family and friends, but I hate what has caused them to send me flowers and write me sweet messages.
I don't think I could deal with this everyday. I think I have to fall asleep every so often. I'm really upset that I have tiny bits of cancer in my neck that can't be operated on or treated with radioactive medicine. Last year, I'd frequent thyca.org and participate in message boards, giving my input where it might have been helpful. I haven't been on the website in over six months because I don't want to look it in the eye. I wanted to move on. They do send me emails a few times per month, so I'm reminded that I've kept this in my periphery. Tonight I was looking at the traffic on my blog and it's always interesting to Google search different phrases and see what will lead to my blog. Doing that lead me to someone's blog (http://strongerthanshelooks.blogspot.com/) and I really enjoyed reading it. And reading things like this snap me back into reality. The writer's words were extremely relatable for me ("life is on pause").
I've been deepening my yoga practice and have been practicing more often, so I have to wonder if that has something to do with the fact that I've sat down to write tonight. Today I practiced at home and I really enjoyed it. The healing power of yoga on my mind, body and spirit never ceases to amaze me.
One thing I just want to scream about is the fact that my hair has been falling out a little again. That is not a cancer thing, but rather a delayed side effect of being hyperthyroid months ago. Even though my medication has since been adjusted, it's too late for this part. It's disheartening to find hair all over my clothes and all over the floor after brushing my hair.
The way I picture what I'm going through is that I'm like a fish swimming around (stay with me) and there's like a rock or whatever and that's the fact that I have cancer. And it's not that I'm always swimming away from it...maybe some days I swim away from it, and maybe a lot of days I swim around it like in a circle, and then eventually I do go right to it. Writing this blog, I'm headed right to the cancer, to the truth, and same goes for when I revisit the thyca website. And I know that the only way to get through something and to deal with it and process and heal is to go right to it. I won't benefit from going around it or trying to find a loophole.
I wrote last year about how amazing it was when the facade was lifted and I realized that although I wasn't going to come out of this unscathed, I could still be okay. Yeah, I feel a little scathed. I'm kind of haunted by the dark year I've had. Like, things are bright right now. They definitely are. I have hope for future in yoga and I'm very excited to hopefully start a training program in January, and I'm also madly in love and that is a bright spot in my life, but I have some dark memories that come back to me and I can't believe I lived it, and am still living it. I do get a little depressed about it. I hesitate to use the word "depressed" because I don't want to take away from actual clinical depression, (I need to let go of what you think of me) but that's how I start to feel sometimes. The amount of money I get from disability is pretty discouraging, but I don't think I'll go back to work early. The only reason I have money right now is because people in my life gave me some. I'm living on very little right now. But I'm also getting plenty of sleep and I'm getting to slow down. Can you see me battling myself here on the pros and cons? Anyway.
I guess that's all I have to say. I think that needed to come out. I don't want to crawl back into the dark and have nothing but apathy and a desire to watch dark movies...I want to step into the light.
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