Second diagnosis
On May 2, my endocrinologist called and told me that I did in fact have cancer. My first instinct with this is to end the blog post there...but how could I be such an open book about everything else and then be private with this?
I look back on that day and things were already put in place that I didn't foresee. I didn't really feel like being at work that day and when my eye started hurting for some reason, I decided to ask to leave early. That's not normal for me, so I was allowed to go home.
I was sitting on the couch when a strange 916 number called. I answered because I assumed it was someone at Kaiser. Somehow I've never put a single Kaiser phone number in my phone. It was Dr. Chan. She asked where I was and I said I was at home. (I would ordinarily be at work, though. This was around 4pm). I think if I said I were at work or if I were driving, she would have asked me to call her back, but I was just at home.
She didn't beat around the bush. She jumped right in and said there was a mistake at the lab with my biopsy results. She said my results were mixed up with someone else's and I do have cancer. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Her tone was serious, but polite. She has always been polite. She talked a little bit more about what happened and then she asked me something like, "How do you feel about that?" I'll never forget that she asked me that. That was so sweet of her. In all the experience I've had with Kaiser and specialists and everything, I don't often get asked that. I think she had asked me that before too. Maybe with the biopsy and everything.
I didn't know how to answer when she said that. I probably said whatever I could to get off the phone.
I knew in this moment that this was something I'd never forget. Very strange. I knew that the next moves I made I'd always remember.
I had a girlfriend who was coming over that day; it had already been planned. Right around the time Dr. Chan had called, I was going to go to the store to pick up a snack for us. After I got off the phone with her, I decided to go to the store anyway. It's a mile away, and my cupboards were empty. I had to go. I called Johnny, but he was in class. He always had class on Wednesday evenings and on this night he had a big test.
I called my Mom and told her and I think she had a hard time processing it. If I'm not mistaken, the first thing she said was, "What do you mean, they made a mistake?" I guess it was easier for me because I heard it straight from a doctor. I feel bad for how this must have affected my Mom. I hurried her off the phone because I had to run into the store. Seriously, I knew we'd have the rest of my life to talk about this.
I barely remember being in that grocery store. It was very strange. I got a bouquet of flowers, fresh bread from the bakery, spinach dip and a pack of cigarettes. The checkout line was really long. And I just thought to myself, "Nobody else knows that I've just been told I have cancer." I wondered, "Does anyone know? Can anyone tell that this just happened?" I felt dizzy. I'm not a tiny girl, I'm always well-fed (seriously) and I don't get dizzy. But I was. My mind was racing and I feared that people around me might think I have a weird look on my face. I felt very overwhelmed.
I got out of there and called my friend to warn her. Poor girl. Who wants to get that call? She was in the car on the way to my house anyway. But to be told, "Hey I just found out that..." That's got to be tough. But I didn't want her to show up and me have to deliver the news face-to-face. I wasn't so blinded by the news I got that I couldn't be gracious.
Kristen got to my house and gave me a big hug. She was the first person to do that after I found out I have cancer. That's big stuff. We ditched our plans and went for a walk. Where I live in Auburn now, I can walk to Stagecoach trail and there's amazing views of the mountains and the Foresthill Bridge.
The walk was very healing. She let me say everything I needed to say, but she was encouraging and she offered new perspectives at the same time.
Back up for one second---I had called Johnny over and over. I thought for sure that he'd feel his phone vibrating and he'd step outside to call me. Since I never do that, I thought he'd be worried. He wasn't.
He called me while I was on that walk. He couldn't understand why I'd called so many times, so I had to tell him. He felt terrible, of course. Since this whole thing has happened, he's been so sweet and he's said the most cliche things. He said, "Okay sweetie, we're gonna get through this."
It was a tough day. My life hasn't been the same since. I only briefly cried while on the phone with Dr. Chan. I didn't cry the rest of the day. I don't know why. I was upset, but I guess I felt stifled in some way. I don't think I was extremely worried either. I was just taking it all in.
I look back on that day and things were already put in place that I didn't foresee. I didn't really feel like being at work that day and when my eye started hurting for some reason, I decided to ask to leave early. That's not normal for me, so I was allowed to go home.
I was sitting on the couch when a strange 916 number called. I answered because I assumed it was someone at Kaiser. Somehow I've never put a single Kaiser phone number in my phone. It was Dr. Chan. She asked where I was and I said I was at home. (I would ordinarily be at work, though. This was around 4pm). I think if I said I were at work or if I were driving, she would have asked me to call her back, but I was just at home.
She didn't beat around the bush. She jumped right in and said there was a mistake at the lab with my biopsy results. She said my results were mixed up with someone else's and I do have cancer. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Her tone was serious, but polite. She has always been polite. She talked a little bit more about what happened and then she asked me something like, "How do you feel about that?" I'll never forget that she asked me that. That was so sweet of her. In all the experience I've had with Kaiser and specialists and everything, I don't often get asked that. I think she had asked me that before too. Maybe with the biopsy and everything.
I didn't know how to answer when she said that. I probably said whatever I could to get off the phone.
I knew in this moment that this was something I'd never forget. Very strange. I knew that the next moves I made I'd always remember.
I had a girlfriend who was coming over that day; it had already been planned. Right around the time Dr. Chan had called, I was going to go to the store to pick up a snack for us. After I got off the phone with her, I decided to go to the store anyway. It's a mile away, and my cupboards were empty. I had to go. I called Johnny, but he was in class. He always had class on Wednesday evenings and on this night he had a big test.
I called my Mom and told her and I think she had a hard time processing it. If I'm not mistaken, the first thing she said was, "What do you mean, they made a mistake?" I guess it was easier for me because I heard it straight from a doctor. I feel bad for how this must have affected my Mom. I hurried her off the phone because I had to run into the store. Seriously, I knew we'd have the rest of my life to talk about this.
I barely remember being in that grocery store. It was very strange. I got a bouquet of flowers, fresh bread from the bakery, spinach dip and a pack of cigarettes. The checkout line was really long. And I just thought to myself, "Nobody else knows that I've just been told I have cancer." I wondered, "Does anyone know? Can anyone tell that this just happened?" I felt dizzy. I'm not a tiny girl, I'm always well-fed (seriously) and I don't get dizzy. But I was. My mind was racing and I feared that people around me might think I have a weird look on my face. I felt very overwhelmed.
I got out of there and called my friend to warn her. Poor girl. Who wants to get that call? She was in the car on the way to my house anyway. But to be told, "Hey I just found out that..." That's got to be tough. But I didn't want her to show up and me have to deliver the news face-to-face. I wasn't so blinded by the news I got that I couldn't be gracious.
Kristen got to my house and gave me a big hug. She was the first person to do that after I found out I have cancer. That's big stuff. We ditched our plans and went for a walk. Where I live in Auburn now, I can walk to Stagecoach trail and there's amazing views of the mountains and the Foresthill Bridge.
The walk was very healing. She let me say everything I needed to say, but she was encouraging and she offered new perspectives at the same time.
Back up for one second---I had called Johnny over and over. I thought for sure that he'd feel his phone vibrating and he'd step outside to call me. Since I never do that, I thought he'd be worried. He wasn't.
He called me while I was on that walk. He couldn't understand why I'd called so many times, so I had to tell him. He felt terrible, of course. Since this whole thing has happened, he's been so sweet and he's said the most cliche things. He said, "Okay sweetie, we're gonna get through this."
It was a tough day. My life hasn't been the same since. I only briefly cried while on the phone with Dr. Chan. I didn't cry the rest of the day. I don't know why. I was upset, but I guess I felt stifled in some way. I don't think I was extremely worried either. I was just taking it all in.
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